Shark week is here and the SyFy Channel premiered six, count ‘em SIX new shark features and it’s my duty to watch every stinkin’ one of them. Let’s not waste anymore time.
Mega Shark vs Kolossus (2015) All the Megalodons from the previous awful Mega Shark movie were assumed dead, but a new one pops up and destroys “Team Unicorn” which was apparently an anti-megalodon submarine team piloted by large breasted women in tight leather uniforms. Illeana Douglas plays a shark expert who pleads to draw the giant shark AWAY from population, while her professional nemesis insists they draw it toward shore to kill it. The Admiral chooses the latter and several military vessels are destroyed. Meanwhile, a CIA agent is tracking a nuclear power source to Russia, which results in the awakening of Kolossus, a giant robot that was created during the Cold War, and then hidden underground for decades. Kolossus destroys cities, and then is lured towards the sea where it has a showdown with mega shark. In my personal favorite moment, a military officer mispronounced “maritime” as “marine time” and no one thought to re-shoot or dub it. I rewound it a couple times to make sure. Asylum director Christopher Ray, son of Fred Olen Ray, was at the helm for this.
Sharktopus vs Whalewolf (2015) The third film in the Roger Corman produced Sharktopus franchise finds drunken boat captain Casper Van Dien (Starship Troopers) trying to collect a bounty on the heart of the Sharktopus from a Voodoo Witch Doctor. Meanwhile, Catherine Oxenberg (Casper’s real life wife) hams it up as a mad German scientist, who experiments on a down-and-out baseball player, turning him in to a half wolf-half orca, which she pets and feeds sexy nurses to. This all takes place in the Dominican Republic, where all the locals and police speak accent-free English. The two title characters have several confrontations in between killing dozens of innocents, including most of the cast of a “The Bachelor” parody, before having an ultimate showdown on a baseball field. The bad news: It appears that scenes from Sharktopus vs Mermantula, which was teased to SyFy audiences in 2013, was used in this, and the Mermantula was officially scrapped in favor that stupid Whalewolf. Bad news for whom? Me, of course, I was really looking forward to Mermantula. Maybe Mermantula can one day get his own movie, I can only hope.
3 Headed Shark Attack (2015) Well, he was mutated due to the tons of pollution in the Pacific Ocean. In fact he eats it…that is when he’s not eating humans, one after the other. The shark destroys a small island science lab and the survivors flee on a small boat, and eventually end up trying to help out a “booze cruise” that shark decides to eat. Danny Trejo is top billed, though he doesn’t have a heck of a lot of screen time, he does fight the shark with a machete. Former pro wrestler Rob Van Dam plays a heroic tough guy. Lots and lots of pretty girls in this one, and in the lead was a tattooed scientist, played by Karrueche Tran. Now I had never heard of Karrueche Tran, but apparently she is a real life ex-girlfriend of Chris Brown, so perhaps playing a character in physical danger isn’t too far fetched for her. I also found out that she went to my high school! GO FAIRFAX! Anyway, as bad as this one sounds, it was pretty entertaining. There were a couple spots where it looked like nudity, but I saw the SyFy televised version so I can’t say for sure. Director Christopher Ray tops his own 2 Headed Shark Attack from a few years earlier.
Check back next week for the rest, including the much anticipated 3rd entry of sharks falling from the sky in….Sharkicaine? Sharclone? Sharkphoon? Whatever it is, it’ll be Sharktastic!