Snakehead Swamp (2014) A new season of SyFy Originals kicks off with a whimper. A truckload of genetically mutated giant snakehead fish from Asia crashes into a Louisiana swamp. What were they doing there? If they said, I certainly forgot, but every SyFy cast cliché was intact. The Sheriff was a single mom, and her son was trapped on the lake with friends. The sweet girl, who should be his chick, instead dates the biggest jerk you could imagine, and the local drunks are among the earliest victims. The jerk even shut a girl into a room with the creatures to save himself and wouldn’t open the door, even though the monsters were about 2 minutes away! The monsters were CGI worm-shaped fish with rows and rows of teeth, and were able to crawl on dry land. They chomped arms and legs off throughout the entire film, but when the hero got her leg caught in its mouth for an entire minute, she came out with a scratch barley worthy of a Band-Aid! Everybody’s favorite 70s TV pimp, Antonio “Huggy Bear” Fargas played an old Voodoo guy, blaming an old dead priestess for the killings. So what was it, genetic engineering or voodoo? Who cares? The only reason to see this is if you are curious what Huggy Bear looks like these days. He looks pretty good, skip the movie.
Mega Shark vs. Mecha Shark (2013) The Asylum’s 3rd film in the Mega Shark series. A prehistoric megaladon breaks free from the ice it had been trapped in for millions of years and begins to destroy anything and everything in the ocean. This being the third time that this has happened, the military has an answer…a submarine, shaped like a shark. Rosie, the best submarine captain in the world gets the task of piloting the ship, equipped with an Artificial Intelligence system that falls in love with her. Her husband actually gives the computer a “hands off” warning. No crew on this submarine, just Rosie and the computer. That is until she sinks two battleships with miss-fired torpedoes and gets knocked unconscious. Then the computer goes offline and the shark-sub spouts tank-wheels and starts destroying everything on land! Very much a copied plot from Godzilla vs. Mechagodzilla. Anyway, Rosie’s husband jumps a moped about 60 feet in the air as part of his rescue attempt. Debbie Gibson phones it in as a megaldon expert, literally, she keeps calling the army guys with information. One staple of the Mega Shark series is that the shark is able to leap out of the water and knock down airplanes, but this time the mecha shark times it’s leap and knocks the giant flying shark out of the way, thus saving the plane and it’s passengers. Fortunately, that scene is in the trailer so no one in their right mind has to watch the whole thing.