Greetings from Chiberia! Sure it’s cold here but hey, at least the roads are safe(ish if you don’t have to drive, walk or live near them)!
This week I am channeling yet another of my alter egos or multiples if you prefer that term. My therapist sure does! That’s right, this weekend I was stuck indoors enough to channel Mina the Mentally Magnificent: Prophet, seer of things to come and least likely to ever share the winning lottery numbers with you. Sorry, folks. With great power comes great responsibility. Allow me to lift the thin curtain between the present and the days to come just enough for you to glimpse a few events you can expect in 2014.
The big power couple of this year will at first seem unlikely but will save the rest of the world from being fodder for their super-personal lyrics. That’s right; Taylor Swift and Eminem will begin dating forming the new brand Swiftenem for your media consumption. Turns out writing songs and rhymes about your exes will be the tie that binds them and will encourage each to only write libelous lyrics about each other for the time being. Lose yourself to this dynamic duo.
Also, in relationship and technology predictions the Kimye wedding will occur and will be virtually inescapable as they will be screening it live onto the retina of every living viewer of E Entertainment television on the planet with a new technology pirated from Japan known as retinal scan display (RSD) or retinal projector (RP). Unfortunate side effects of viewing this ill fated catastrophe of a betrothal will be uncontrollable nausea and vomiting and in severe cases, hemorrhagic bleeding from all bodily orifices.
Perhaps the biggest shock this year will be that Dennis Rodman continues to make headlines far after his usefulness this year when he chooses to defect to North Korea for good and requires aid from former Russian defector/dancer/choreographer/actor Mikhail Baryshnikov. These efforts will be chronicled in the upcoming movie reboot of White Knights entitled White Knightz which will, of course, be a dismal flop.
Good news for candy, pill and no-fat booze fans just in time for Valentine’s Day! February will see the introduction of such festive products as chocolate covered, chewable prescription medications. These will include such favorites as Vicodin and Valium while Xanax will be available in white and dark chocolate.
Want a drink but not the calories? Stay on track with the 2014’s newest alcoholic offering: Absolute tampons. Feeling left out guys? No worries, Absolute will also be releasing a suppository version just for you.
I would love to share more predictions with you but I’m afraid I’m a little drunkish and toxic shocky from all the future product testing I’ve been doing on that last prediction. Obviously, Absolute won’t confirm my prediction as of yet since it’s still top secret but I can guarantee you there’s no more disgusting way to get lit and stay fit so enjoy 2014. Cheers! Salud! Prost! Here’s to your health!
Sister Throat Punch – Channeling Mina the Magnificent aka Gerri
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