Bering Sea Beast (2013) This SyFy original promises Sea Vampires! Instead it has some sort of Ray-type creatures that do drink blood and fly and somewhat resemble vampires. They were awakened by underwater earthquakes or explosions or something. A pair of siblings and a handsome newcomer who dive for treasure lose their father to the title creatures must race against time and monsters to find underwater treasure before the area becomes the property of their greedy rivals. The kid from Jerry Maguire plays the brother in this turd, he’s come a long way. I was hoping for humanoid-type vampires that lived underwater and did normal vampire-type shit on land, but oh well. One can dream.
Stonados (2013) Just because the SyFy original Sharknado had a winning formula does not mean we need a series of films in which tornadoes should shoot anything but sharks. These new tornadoes over Boston are picking up rocks and shooting them all over the city, starting with Plymouth Rock itself, and eventually every old rock. Why only rocks and not things that weigh less than rocks, like Coke cans or dogs and cats? I don’t know, but some of these rocks explode like bombs shortly after impact. A high school science teacher, his cop sister, and a local second-string TV weatherman are the only ones with an answer. William B. Davis, the X-Files Smoking Man himself, shocks everyone by still being alive and has a bit part as a lighthouse keeper. One thing to be grateful for is that not a single person in Boston actually has a Boston accent, though I don’t see how this film could be any more tedious if they did. Absolute bottom of the barrel.
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